Melancholic

And I don't know what to say anymore...Silence has been the safest home ...

I take a step forward and two back, reality is insisting on dragging me back to earth ...

My heart eager for the feeling of being content.

Overwhelmed by thoughts, and  fears.

Fear of losing something I never had.

Fear of being rational and losing all the charm of trying and experience 

Caged in a cell named "what if "

Being dreamy is a curse
I thought it's  a bless, but I guess everything has its dark side 

Fairy tales do not exist I know
Am not waiting for one
But I hoped and prayed for it
Fairy tales happen to those who suffered
Have not I suffered enough
Have not I had this kind heart
I believe I did no harm to anyone before
Have I?
Oh , life ain't fair I know, whatever
I don't want to talk about it
I aint waiting for some sort of superhero
Nor for a comforter
Sometimes I wish I were stone

Sometimes I think I am stone

Sometimes I wish I can get back to the old me
Sometimes I think it's better this way
Something bad is coming I can smell it in the air
And I just can't pretend it's not there
The last thing I wanna do is fight
Cause I will lose
Hoping for the best .
Oh, I'm kindda of failed at this test 

I believe that life is stealing away my energy 

I am not that patient anymore 

Sometimes I think why me!
Someone told me before .

In the in end, we all like an odd number
We shall come and leave alone 

A tear stands on the edge of my eyes
Confused where to go
I will just pretend it's the wind
Or maybe it's the ring of the end

I am just dreamer

I am just dreamer is that unforgivable sin ?
I am just dreamer from where I should begin ?

I am very dreamy you know , to a person in my age whose 23 and in a few months will turn into 24 .. I don't feel like my age at all maybe cause I  still have the imagination of a 5 years old girl and I really enjoy it . It helped me to survive this far .
I always has this wide imagination , where I wish to have some supernatural powers . maybe cause I feel sometimes that I don't belong to this world . it's not that I feel egoistic or superior over other people .
It's just I am kind of loner .
It's been a couple of days since I really had long conversation with anyone . my short and concise answers annoys everyone including me . I can barely pick a topic to talk about .
I am not the source of happiness to anyone anymore.
It's been a while I don't feel like myself , something changed .
I don't know what is it I am turning into a person who can even care less about anyone . overwhelmed maybe and feel like I am overwhelming the people I love and I care about the most  .
but the thing is I don't care anymore , I don't know why I feel this . I tried to care but I don't . even if the world crush and burn right in front of me I wont move . only it would be there some more of hidden sorrow and grief .
all I get to hear is other people problems and the ones whose close I feel it without even they say it .
I really need to go and do some adventure instead of setting behind this stupid laptop trying to figure it all out !
I read that novel about the girl who's turned out to be a quarter angel however she fell for a human . who showed her real life is . but I wonder If I have ever get to have life before I die .
I read a short story in one of my friend's blog about how much he loves that three stars that shines the most in the night and how he dreams about touching them he gave me one big smile cause I dreamt of chasing them too like fireflies , it gave me hope to know that there are dreamers like me out in this world .

I hang up a call with one of my besties ever since school . she got recently divorced after a fairytale love story . she trying to act like she is fine . although I know it's the best for her but my heart is aching for her .
I remember our midnight call years ago . where we talked about arranged marriage and how suck it is to be with someone you don't love . she said to me do you think we marry after love story . I nodded yes of course we will. I was very sure then .
All I ever dreamt about is a person whom have a mutual affection and he propose,, it's not like I dreamt of doing things against my faith  ..
But my friend story made me feel like fairy tales does not last forever I guess .
It's not that I can rely on arranged marriage either . I have known thousands of stories are even worse than my friend .
I am in a deep need of a person who wash away the dust over my heart . who conquer my world . give me back my belief in all the beautiful things I used to believe .. who's not afraid to do all the crazy things with me .. like camping to watch stars and moon or sunrise .. who's not afraid to live and have a life .. who will tell me to stop dreaming and start living them .. I ain't waiting for Mr perfect , nerd,arrogant , womaniser  ........... ,or rich ! I guess I met them all . I need the one who will make me feel it's really right to be with him ! not that he is an angel without mistakes or disadvantages no he has all of this I can take it .
those words are not edited or read before it got published , it just it may light the weight over my shoulders ..
.

Maybe ..

maybe it's better this way
maybe it's better to run
and never think of yesterday
or what the life has done
maybe there are no way
and no point of waiting the one
maybe life is just a play
and actors are out of time
maybe there are no stars
and no moon nor sun
maybe our hidden scars
one day will be gone
maybe there are no hope
and no place to hide or run
maybe somewhere in this globe
we could have some fun
I don't know what I wrote
I don't think I'll ever know
but when darkness cover the world
my star shall glow
I don't know anything
sometimes I feel it's true
but I am forever alone
and nothing you can do
maybe it just words
maybe I am playing a game
but when I am angry
I set everything on flames
I am sorry if I were bit rude or mean
I am sorry if I am'nt able to talk
but my heart's aching for what it's seen
I am human not a rock