Tuesday, 22 October 2013

The Crow and The Butterfly

Lost in thoughts like a paper without pen
Running in circles , closing in 
In the court with myself I begin 
Joy and sorrow all the contrasts within 

Never took the right choices
Always following my heart
Even if that meant 
Putting an end without start 

They always come back
When it's too late 
Imagining that I'm waiting
Serving forgiveness on golden plate

In my kingdom 
One chance is given to prove loyalty
But if you did not take it
Don't blame my sanity 

Hearing The Rasmus's track 
Saying Friends don't do like that
I close my eyes and shed a tear
Remembering a step in the back
They say a kindhearted 
But all I see inside is black
Once I walk away 
I never ever look back

In this circus 
Things will bring you down
But all you need to learn 
Not to be the clown 




Sunday, 13 October 2013

Andromeda

A sweet whisper came along 
From a fairy who sang a silent song 
"To your shell you shall belong 

The first rule to begin 
No one should come in 
It's an awful unforgivable sin 

The second rule to be told 
When nothing's right or wrong 
The answers shall come along

The third rule to be said 
You shall forever stay mermaid 
But only he shall make the spell fade"

Here you are, comes my reply 
I never wanted to be mermaid 
I always wanted to fly 
And if there's something to be said
I always keep wondering why 

The second thing to be told 
My heart shall never belong 
But to the man who sold the world

The third thing to be said
No one but me shall make it fade
I'm here a warrior but waiting for blade 


In the dark I should stay 
Far from tomorrow and today 
Like stars in the Milky Way 
With the music sing and sway 


Wednesday, 9 October 2013

Enigma

That girl, who always thought that the stars are running after them while she watched them through the window of the car.
That girl who used to turn around and around till her dress is lifted to the highest high possible. She is like a petal inside a flower.
She used and still putting the shell over her ear to hear the sea speech. 
Never liked to lift her hair in a pony tail, she always liked free like her spirit. 
She is not like the other girls; she speaks to the stars and makes friends with kids.
She always dreams to have wings and spread them and fly away, always wondered what it like is to walk over clouds. 
Who stand under the showers of the rain, letting it tickles her face and washes away the hidden sorrow. 
That girl who always keeps on building her castles above the clouds, no matter she ended hitting the ground. 
Over and over she tries to lower her expectations, but she can't. It's a part of what she is. 
She doesn't like to live upon anyone expectations or judgments, even if their intentions were good. Even if their judgement were about her being angelic and kind. 
She always keeps on seeking for things that she has no answer for , keep walking in the black hole , that dark tunnel of doubts and mystery . 
Her biggest fear is loss. She knows how it is since she lost her older brother before. 
She tries to keep distance between her and her beloved ones,  maybe she is afraid to feel the bitterness of loss again. 
She is always acting like herself not very well with masks, and despises lies. 
She dreams of one who asks her to slow dance with him, who admires her free soul, who brushes her hair with her hand and not afraid to take a walk with her under the rain. 
She does not like to be treated like a catch, she does not like men running after her like she is sort of hunt. She is a good runner though. Whenever she feels like she is one, she knows how to escape. 
She always thought of relationships should have a mutual respect and affection , caring and kind heart .Not one person running after another (male/female) or showing off his/her powers of attracting other sex.
She is messy and wants to organised person ,though she finds a life in that mess. 
She is not a morning person, though she'd love to be one. 
There are many things she does not like about herself and wants to change that. 
She likes to be accepted as she is. With all her mood swing (which, if she would give a name for these swings would be Tarzan).
She accepts diversity in people and she is stubborn enough to accept them without changing herself, if she changes she does it for herself not for others. 
She never changes unless her heart and mind agreed on that. 
Usually her heart leads; sometimes she is misunderstood or underestimated due to this. But she believes the path of heart always wins. 
She is random, in her thoughts and sometimes she surprises herself with sudden actions. 
She does not like to name things ... she doesn't believe that she is the center of the universe. But she dreams about finding the one and being his fantasy.  
She is very good at walking away. 
She will forgive you, she can't help it, but her selective memory will refuse but to remember. One day she'll just give up and walk away. 
She is not good with compliments and when she says one she means it. 
Sometimes, she thinks that she is like a riddle and she will never know what she wants. 
She does not like being around people, she adores the cafe smell but does not like its taste.  
She does not let people get closer easily.
Sometimes, she feels like she does not want anybody in at all. 
Sometimes she feels that she needs that one who breaks her fall. 
And sometimes she feels that she should build more walls. 



Wednesday, 2 October 2013

Star Dust

Things come back
Things pass by
But I will do nothing
Till the end of July

Nothing goes right
All became wrong
I will say nothing
Till the end of the song

Some bring joy
Some bring sorrow
But I have nothing
To save for tomorrow

Some sees me an angel
Some other don't
But I aint angel nor demon
To humans I belong

From the deepest sorrow
Here comes the wisdom
In the land of grief
I built my kingdom

From the deepest sanity
Here comes the madness
Even in the paradise
There was darkness

I wonder if I shall survive
Or have wings to fly
But here I am still alive
And I keep wondering why!?




Tuesday, 24 September 2013

I am just dreamer

I am just dreamer is that unforgivable sin ?
I am just dreamer from where I should begin ?

I am very dreamy you know , to a person in my age whose 23 and in a few months will turn into 24 .. I don't feel like my age at all maybe cause I  still have the imagination of a 5 years old girl and I really enjoy it . It helped me to survive this far .
I always has this wide imagination , where I wish to have some supernatural powers . maybe cause I feel sometimes that I don't belong to this world . it's not that I feel egoistic or superior over other people .
It's just I am kind of loner .
It's been a couple of days since I really had long conversation with anyone . my short and concise answers annoys everyone including me . I can barely pick a topic to talk about .
I am not the source of happiness to anyone anymore.
It's been a while I don't feel like myself , something changed .
I don't know what is it I am turning into a person who can even care less about anyone . overwhelmed maybe and feel like I am overwhelming the people I love and I care about the most  .
but the thing is I don't care anymore , I don't know why I feel this . I tried to care but I don't . even if the world crush and burn right in front of me I wont move . only it would be there some more of hidden sorrow and grief .
all I get to hear is other people problems and the ones whose close I feel it without even they say it .
I really need to go and do some adventure instead of setting behind this stupid laptop trying to figure it all out !
I read that novel about the girl who's turned out to be a quarter angel however she fell for a human . who showed her real life is . but I wonder If I have ever get to have life before I die .
I read a short story in one of my friend's blog about how much he loves that three stars that shines the most in the night and how he dreams about touching them he gave me one big smile cause I dreamt of chasing them too like fireflies , it gave me hope to know that there are dreamers like me out in this world .

I hang up a call with one of my besties ever since school . she got recently divorced after a fairytale love story . she trying to act like she is fine . although I know it's the best for her but my heart is aching for her .
I remember our midnight call years ago . where we talked about arranged marriage and how suck it is to be with someone you don't love . she said to me do you think we marry after love story . I nodded yes of course we will. I was very sure then .
All I ever dreamt about is a person whom have a mutual affection and he propose,, it's not like I dreamt of doing things against my faith  ..
But my friend story made me feel like fairy tales does not last forever I guess .
It's not that I can rely on arranged marriage either . I have known thousands of stories are even worse than my friend .
I am in a deep need of a person who wash away the dust over my heart . who conquer my world . give me back my belief in all the beautiful things I used to believe .. who's not afraid to do all the crazy things with me .. like camping to watch stars and moon or sunrise .. who's not afraid to live and have a life .. who will tell me to stop dreaming and start living them .. I ain't waiting for Mr perfect , nerd,arrogant , womaniser  ........... ,or rich ! I guess I met them all . I need the one who will make me feel it's really right to be with him ! not that he is an angel without mistakes or disadvantages no he has all of this I can take it .
those words are not edited or read before it got published , it just it may light the weight over my shoulders ..
.


Friday, 6 September 2013

إلى السيد يوم ما الرسالة الثامنة رُبما


إليّك
 أتساءل أين أنت الآن ..؟
 لما لست هنا لتربت على كتفي وتخبرني أن كل شيء سيكون على ما يرام ...؟ 
لما تقسو علي و على أحبتي الحياة..؟ 
كل يوم تملأ صفحتي صور الشهداء .. يئن قلبي .. كل منهم له قصته .. مثلي أنا و أنت ...
 لا أعتقد أن لي قصة عظيمة تستحق أن تروى .. 

لكن كل من ماتوا لهم لحظات عاشوا فيها أدوار البطولة ..

أتساءل ما هي قصتك .. كل منهم له حلم ما .. شخص ما يهتم .. ترعبني لحظاتهم الأخيرة .. تقع عيناي على فيديو لأحد الشهيدات ..أراها تلفظ انفاسها الاخيرة. . يرعبني أن أشعر لها و لأهلها .. أتساءل كيف لمن قتلها أن ينعم بنوم آمن و حياة رغيدة ..

أظن أن شبحهها سيلاحقه .. ستحقق عدالة السماء يوما ..

!! و لكن ماذا عنها و عن أحلامها و أحلام أمها وأبيها لها .. كيف هانت.. أتدري كلما سمعت قصة عن روح انقضت إلى بارئها أشعر أني أعرفها منذ زمن و أشعر بمرارة الفقد ..

مرة تلو الأخرى حتى بت أشعر أني لن أنجو أبداً .. أتدري أني صرت أتعجب عندما أسمع خبر موت أحد ميتة طبيعية .. !! لم أتوقع هذا يوماً ..


مرّ عليّ وقت آمنت فيه بالخيال و القصص الوردية ...
 لم يفرض علينا الواقع مُرَه وكأن الخيال مُحال ؟
 أرفض تارة الخضوع و أخرى يأبى قلبي سوى الدموع .. 
ألم يخترقني لضياع سعادتها ... 
تلك الوردة التي كانت تفوح حياة و سعادة .. 
أذبلها الحُب .. و هكذا تركها و رحل ..
رُبما لو عامل الناس بعضهم بأن هذا آخر يوم لهم في الحياه ..
 و أن هذا الشخص لن يتسنى لهم أن يروه مرة أخرى .. لاختلف الوضع تماما يا عزيزي .. 
لأصبحت أرضنا جنّة مصغرة .. لكن يا عزيزي هنا على كوكبنا العَفِن .. الحياة أصبحت ككابوس لايطاق ..
حتى الواقع قد تعدى مراحل لم نتصورها من الخيال .

بطريقة تبعث على النفس الذهول و الكآبة في آن واحد ..






Sunday, 1 September 2013

إلى السيد يوم ما - الرسالة التي لا أعلم رقمها -

إليك ..
أسعد الله صباحك ...
رزقك الله يوم ضاحك ..
أشكوك نفسي لأنك أقرب إليها مني ..
قاربت على الشهر و لم أكتب أي شيء
لم أعد أكتب عن الأحباب
و لم أعد أتنفس الحب في أي كتاب
لا أدري  هل انقطعت بي الأسباب
أم هي الأحداث التي تبعث على النفس الإكتئاب
لا أدري
شيء ما تغير داخلي
أقرأ ما كتبت إليك سابقا
أتذكر عندما قلت أنني لم أعد أهتم
لا تصدقني فقد قلت ذلك من فرط الهم
أتدري هذه  الأيام أصبح الصمت لغتي الأم
بالكاد أتذكر كيف تكون المحادثات الطويلة
أشتاق لأيام كنت أحنو فيها لأن أكون كبيرة
لم أدر أن هكذا سيكون الحال
أحيانا أشعر أنني لست من كتب هذه الكلمات
وأصبحت أكتفي من هذه الحياة بالرفات
بعد أن كنت أحلم بزهور وفراشات
أصبح المستقبل مرعب و مخيف
و لم أعد أسمع من الشجر حتى الحفيف
أكتب  إليك لأقرأ ما بداخلي
لأني أصدق ما يكون معك
اعتدت من الحياة الألم
و أخاف على دفتري من وقع القلم
أقف على هاوية الاشئ
أخاف أن أخطو إلى الأمام و أحلم
و أخاف أن أخطو إلى الخلف فأندم
أتعرف أني بارعة في الهروب
و أخشى قراءة ما في القلوب
ولا زلت أبحث عنك في الدروب
أخشى دائما الهاوية
و أخشى دائما الأحلام
هل هناك من سيأخذ بيدي قبل فوات الأوان
ويملأ  مُدني الباهتة ألوان
و أصمت علّ الحياة تجد إلى نبضي عنوان